Cinema Perfection

Dear World,

You may as well cancel the Oscars for the rest of time for the art of motion picture has been perfected. Continue reading

I’m being haunted by a beautiful, busty blonde

Hello. Emily here. This is Emily, not a character. I need to share something with you, dear readers.

I am being haunted. I think that I am being haunted by the late great Anna Nicole Smith (RIP.)

Let me explain a little bit. I’m a pretty big Anna fan. So, I assume you’d think it was ridiculous that she would just start haunting me, a big fan. I guess I should clarify. I don’t think this is a menacing haunting. I think that Anna is watching over me. Why wouldn’t she? I just moved to this big city, and I’m practically on my own. She understands, when she was about my age, she moved to the big city, too. It’s a scary place! Anna knows that I loved her, Anna knows that I named my beautiful beta fish after her. Anna knows how upset I was when my fish was stolen and held for ransom. And she knows of my heartbreak after her death. Continue reading

The Bonus Coldplay(er)

22752-the_bonus_coldp-sfull

Soundtrack To My Life

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool..

Continue reading

The Introductory Note To Cocoa the Dog’s Time Capsule, As Written By His Owner, Bill

Dear Dogs of the Future, 

Woof! Woof! Bark! Cocoa the dog here. Welcome to my time capsule!

If you’re reading this, then you are in the year 3000. I know this probably isn’t as exciting as your jet pack chew toys or laser-leashes, but don’t you want to know what it was like to be a dog in the early 21st century? Bark?
Continue reading

Nicknames For Sex I Think They Probably Used In The Twenties

Lindberghin’ It

Al Ca-Bonin’

Continue reading

Why I Enjoy My Sitting Around Time

I come from a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio called Mentor. Mentor is probably best known as the hometown of James A. Garfield, the president that I relate to more than any other. This could be because we’re from the same place, but more likely, it’s because of a quote of his I found a few years ago: “It has occurred to me that the thing you have, that all men have enough of, is perhaps the thing that you care for the least, and that is your leisure.” Continue reading