Author Archives: Grant Pardee

a Valentine’s Prayer from Bono

My name is Bono. I am not a person pretending to be Bono. I have no last name and no origin. I have no past and no future. There is no beginning to Bono and no end to Bono. Bono just is. Oh, and Bono is very, very horny for you.

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The Bonus Coldplay(er)

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Potential Characters Mike Myers Could Play in “Austin Powers 4”

The Guy with a Scottish Accent

The Guy with a Scottish Accent who Farts

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Living in a Post-Apocalyptic World

by Andrew Dice Clay

January 29th, 2013

Hickory dickory dock. I survived the apocalypse today, suck my cock.

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You’ll Need That Hair for Frosting

May 2002.

Product in hair, mic in hand, Brian Dunkleman and his co-host Ryan Seacrest stand before the thousands in the audience and the millions watching on television, prepared to announce your first ever American Idol.

Dunkleman in particular is pleased about this, though no one knows it yet, because Dunkleman knows that once the winner is announced, he’s getting the hell out of here. And you can kiss his ass, because you ain’t ever gonna see the Dunk Man again.

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25 Crazy and Totally Random Things About Me, the Former Child Star from ABC’s hit show “Dinosaurs”

by Baby Sinclair

1. I am an anthropomorphic dinosaur.

2. I think carrots are totally gross.

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Chad Kroeger’s Masterpiece

Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, is frustrated. Today, the record label wants that next hit single. They want those guitars crunchy. They want it three-and-a-half minutes. They want it snappy. And by god, they want it today.

But Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, isn’t feeling it. Not today. However deep that reservoir of inspiration may have proven to be in the past, it’s coming up empty right now. And as Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, steps into the recording booth, he knows something isn’t right.

He puts his headphones on, the big black ones with the frayed cord that his dog chewed up, and he looks over his shoulder into the producer’s booth at Javon, their producer, but the booth is filling up now with executives, vice presidents of marketing, radio people, and who knows who else. All these people that want Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, to sell out. To just be their monkey and give them a hit single when they want it.

They don’t realize that Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback, is a motherfucking artist.

the artist

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