Ghoste U. Episode 1 – I CAN keep my eyes off of you

Steve Specter, Doug Dead, and Larry Livinggood were best friends all throughout High School.

[shots of them playing kickball together, playing baseball together, playing lunch together]

During the summer of their senior year, Steve and Doug contracted cancer.  While on a trip to a radical doctors office in Buenos Aries, the two friends OD’d on morphine patches.  Moments later, their plane crashed into [wavey font here] The Bermuda Triangle.

[plane crash]

Larry painfully dealt with their passing for two years.  When he thought he was ready, he enrolled in college to study and get a useful education… but not if his wily friends have anything to do with it!  So come on down and enroll at:

Ghoste U.!

[Song (rock music)]

“Well Steve and Doug both had appropriate ghosty names
But their friend Larry was alive and in the dating game
The college dean is always tryin to catch those friendly ghosts
So Larry has to make up dumb excuses which is comical

At Ghoste U!
Down at Ghoste U!

Two sassy silly specters and their sucker sappy salt friend

At Ghoste U!
Yeah Ghoste U!

We’ll hang out at the quad since we can not get into heaven!

Ghoste U!

-Right Now!”

Created by: C. K. Messer

Larry sits studying diligently at his desk in his messy dorm room.

Larry – “My physics test is tomorrow and I haven’t even rereread all the chapters again!  Oh I am in a pickle!”

Steve materializes through the wall (except for one hand.)  He is see-through and grey.

Steve – “Hey L-life, you seen my copy of high times- whoa, my beer is caught in the wall man!”

Larry – (Looking at a picture in his book) “Oh Isaac Newton, how did you deal with your dead friends?”

Picture of Isaac Newton – “I bought them cheetos!”

Larry – “Whaaaa???”

Doug materializes from the book.  He is also see-through and grey.

Doug – “You heard the man!”

Larry – “Doug, don’t abuse your powers like that!”

Doug – “Hey, If I see further than others, its cause I stand on the shoulders of someone with the munchies!”

The ghosts try to high five but miss, then confusedly look around.

Larry – “Haha, that’s my ghost pals.”

[Awkwardly early commercial.]

The three friends walk around talking in the quad.

Larry – “You guys, my test is in two hours.  I should really find a sturdy knowledge tree to study under.”

The two ghosts stop and gasp.

Steve – “Whoa, whoa L-life there’s more important business ahead.”

Doug – “Yeah check out the trim, 1900 and 45 hours.”

Larry – “Ok what is that 12 minus, no… 19 minus 12.  Ok Seven.  Then about 45 minutes into seven on, well the hour hand I guess … ah!”

A beautiful girl stands talking to a friend.

Larry – “She’s beautiful!”

Steve – “Pfft, check out her friend!”

She begins to walk away.

Larry – “Oh no, what do I dooooo??”

Doug– “I’ll take care of this one L!”

Doug picks up a discarded soda can and hits the girl in the head with it.

Girl – “OW!!!!”

The two ghosts jump into the bushes and leave Larry standing alone.

Larry – (to his ghost pals) “H-hey w…w…w…wait!”

Girl – “Excuse me!  Excuse me!!”

Larry – “B…H… W….Le…Da….Fe… Y…Yes?”

Girl – “Did you see who through this can at me?”

Larry – “Someone through a can at you?  Oh boy, this is a rough neighborhood!”

A squeaky trumpet plays.

Girl – “…Yeah.  Well thanks anyways.”

Doug and Steve panic in the bushes.  They throw another can at her.

Girl – “OW!!!!”

Steve – “Now’s your chance bucko!”

Larry – “Uh, I saw who did it this time!”

Girl – “You did?”

Larry – “Yeah, and they took off that way.”

Girl – “Well don’t just stand there, let’s go and get them!!!”

The girl takes off ahead of him.

Larry – “I think I need your guyses help!  That total babe… ughh I mean beautiful sweet girl, thinks I can show her who threw that can, but I can’t because you two are the invisible dorks that did it!”

Steve is still staring at the girl’s friend.

Steve – “Sorry dude, I can’t help, I got business to attend to.”

Steve leaves.

Doug – “What was that all about?”

Larry – “How am I supposed to know?  You’re the apparition!   Come on, you have to help me!”

The two friends exit.  The dean enters.

Dean – “I caught you now, Larry Livinggood.  Yes, you and your ghost friends are about to be expelled from this university for good!”

The Dean dips his pencil in the bushes.  He pulls it out covered in grey soot.

Dean – “Ghost residue!  I knew it!  Ouija board, guide me!”

He throws down a Ouija board.  It begins moving on its own.

Dean – “U R A… Homo.  AH!!!  Ghosts!!!”

The Dean angrily exits.  Steve’s eyes appear on the screen and wink at the camera.  The screen fades to white then reopens with Steve walking up to the girl’s hot friend across the quad.  He walks into the body of a student.  The man cripples in on himself, and we hear all his bones break simultaneously.  He stands crunched together with barely open eyes.

Steve [in broken body] “Hey beautiful.”

The hot friend turns around and smiles.

Hot Friend – “Hey…”

Steve [in broken body] “What’s a pretty girl like you doing in this dump of a college?”

Hot Friend – “Oh stop.”  She giggles.

Steve [in broken body] “No I’m for real.  You can probably get any guy you want around here.”

Hot Friend – “We’ll see… stop by my dorm room?  I’m in room 555 in Dormitory Hall.  I’ll be waiting, with the lights off…”

[hoots and hollers]

She writes down the room number, slips it in between his broken fingers, kisses him on the cheek and walks away.  Steve leaps out of the body as it violently collapses to the ground.

Steve – “YAHOO!!!!”

A grey ghost wipe cuts to the next scene.

Across campus, Larry and Doug chase the girl around as she goes on a rampage.

Girl – “Where is the guy I want to kill him!!”

Larry – “So where are you from originally?”

Girl – “UGH!”

Larry – “Uh, I think I saw him go this way!”

Girl – “Think?  Think?  You have to do better than that!  I have to find this jerk and get him to stop throwing garbage at me!”

Larry – “I’m afraid of the zoo, haha, I can’t believe I’m telling you this, I never thought I’d share myself like this with anyone!  It’s just, so many dangerous animals together at one time.  Oh god, this is embarrassing.”

Girl – “I gotta go!”

He motions to Doug “Now!”  Doug throws another soda can at her.

Larry – “Oh no he went that way!”

Girl – “That’s it!”

They take off in another direction.  We see a montage of Larry trying to flirt with her, Doug throwing soda cans at her, her flipping out.

Ghost wipe.

Across campus in Dormitory Hall Steve knocks on room 555 carrying a tape recorder.

Hot friend – “Come in…”

Steve presses play; it’s clearly Larry’s voice on the tape.

Tape Recorder (Larry’s Voice) – “Thank you St-“

Hot friend – “Are you ready for me big boy?”

Tape Recorder (Larry doing an Ed Sullivan impersonation)– “We’re, haha, we’re going to have a really big show tonight, really big.”

Hot friend – “Oh baby you’re giving me goose bumps…”

Tape Recorder (Larry clearly sleep talking) “Get off my boat err aahh French Caribbean…”

Hot friend – “Oh, sexy and rich.  Jump in my bitch hole.”

Tape Recorder (Larry’s Voice) – “Uh uh humma na humma na”

Steve – “This is it.  After my long wait, I’m finally going to get laid as a ghost.”

Steve begins running towards the bed and jumps on.  He falls through the girl and down five stories into the laundry room, landing in a washing machine as it is just closed and turned on.

Hot friend – “Where did he go?  I swear… good casual sex is dead in this day and age.”

[Encourage the audience to clap at this part]

Ghost wipe.

Doug throws another soda can at the girl in the cafeteria.

Girl – “WHERE IS THIS JERK!?”

Larry – “Soooo what’s your major????”

Across the cafeteria the Dean stands with Dr. Dorkter.

Dean – “This ghost catching device better work Dorkter!”

Dr. Dorkter – “It’s a simple enough contraption Dean, conveniently shaped like a soda can for easier throwing capabilities.”

[The audience should be moaning and laughing]

Dr. Dorkter – “If it lands with in five feet of the anomaly it should be able to capture it and then, expel it!”

Dean – “Great!  Just give it to me and I’ll throw it.”

Dr. Dorkter – “No, I want to throw it, I’ve been practicing.”

Dean – “I was all state softball, Dorkter.  I think you should hand it over.”

The two men fight over the device until they both grab it with their left and right hands respectively, and throw it towards Larry.  It hit’s the girl in the head.

Girl – “OW!!!  Dr. Dorkter, and the Dean!  It was you all along?”

She begins hitting them both with her over sized purse.

Girl – “How dare you!  Oh I can’t even…  The heads of the institution throwing soda cans around all day!”

Dr. Dorkter – “Ow.  Ow.  Ow.”

Dean – “I know it was you ghosts, and I’ll prove it one day!!!”

Larry, Doug, and Steve sit around Larry’s dorm room.  Doug is icing his arm and Steve is extremely fluffy and statically charged.

Doug – “Man, I’m never throwing another soda can again.”

Steve – “Yeah it sounds like you guys had quite the experience today!”

Larry – “And what happened to you, I thought you said you landed in the washing machine?”

Steve – “Yeah, I figured, since I already started, might as well finish the load and use the drier too.”

The friends all lightly laugh.  [The audience should too.]

Larry – “But seriously, you know guys, I learned a lot today.  I learned that sometimes, life experiences are more important than the tests you miss.  I was ready to run away with that girl forever just by looking at her.  But then I learned that looks can be deceiving, and not everyone is going to turn out like you want them to.  I also learned that ghosts can be electrically charged, haha.  Just kidding.  What did you guys learn today?”

Larry looks around the empty room.

Larry – “Oh my god my friends both died in a plane crash two years ago!!!”

The audience applauds and the credits roll.

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2 responses to “Ghoste U. Episode 1 – I CAN keep my eyes off of you

  1. “We’ll hang out at the quad since we can not get into heaven!”

    Yes.

  2. I’ve never laughed so hard to anything on the internet before.

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