I was at home watching the slam dunk contest last night and, for the first, time I really realized that the times, they are a-changin’.
Don’t get me wrong, the dunks these young guys are doing are okay, but they’re nothing like what used to be done. It’s becoming more and more obvious that those are days past, though, so I thought I would document some of my favorite classic slam dunks for posterity. Maybe you can find these on YouTube, but I don’t know what that is.
Dunk You Very Much
A complete flip, wherein the ball is passed between the legs, held out in one hand via centrifugal force and a thumb is prominently displayed with the other hand. If done properly, as the dunkist rotates, the “thumbs down” will become a more pleasing “thumbs up”
Rhapsody in Blue
Maximum height is first achieved. Then, on the way down, the ball is let go, passes between the legs and is caught between the shoulder blades. A proper “Rhapsody” requires standard blade pads. Oh yeah, don’t forget the 180 degree twist. Otherwise, you will catch your jaw on the rim, if you’re not wearing jaw pads.
A two man style dunk. The first man, holding balls one and two, jumps, followed by man two, holding balls three and four. Balls five through eight are thrown by the dunk spotters. The first four are dunked in standard, piggy-back formation. The last four are dunked using adhesive sneaker grips.
The Jerusalem Confidence Man
Popularized by “Jammin'” Jay Thunder, this dunk starts with a basic helicopter style spin. There’s no official number of rotations, but it’s generally preferred that the dunkist attain actual lift. When finished, the blindfold is removed and the dunkist must first orient himself and then accelerate towards the hoop.
The 28th Amendment
This dunk is the very similar to a standard dunk, but it is scored using the metric system. Performing this dunk in the lower 48 is considered rude and unpatriotic.
The dunkist is first secured to the hood of an Oldsmobile Eighty-Eight. The automobile will accelerate towards the hoop as the dunkist escapes his bonds, balances on the moving hood and jumps only slightly to perform a relatively basic dunk finish. The car explodes.
(Warning: Dunktini involves the dark magicks. Make sure the harem of dunk spotters is trained in anti-curses.)
Turn the ball into an olive, obviously. Like, a giant olive. Dunk that olive. Drink the vodka inside the pit, if you’re man enough. Enjoy the post-dunk hallucinations.
The Dunkocratic Convention
Originally performed at the 1968 National Dunkvitational by basketball star and member of the Yippie movement Rob “The Slob” Hawkins. It was the first time a dunk was used as a form of protest. The ball was first stolen from an LBJ impersonator, then dunked using the supposedly impossible quadrupel flip accompanied by a really great JFK impression. The ball represented Vietnam, I guess.