Dear Dogs of the Future,
Woof! Woof! Bark! Cocoa the dog here. Welcome to my time capsule!
If you’re reading this, then you are in the year 3000. I know this probably isn’t as exciting as your jet pack chew toys or laser-leashes, but don’t you want to know what it was like to be a dog in the early 21st century? Bark?
Woof! Bark! Woof! I hope you’re having fun in the future. Do you guys have doggy treats there? My owner, Bill, buys them for me here. Bark! Boy, I don’t know what I’d do without ol’ Bill. I might not show him my appreciation sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him!
Your owners probably love you too, dogs of the future. Don’t be afraid to show them your appreciation. If your owner is sitting in the corner, crying, don’t be afraid to cheer him up. If your owner just got his third and final eviction notice, comfort him by chasing your tail. If that bitch down the street won’t return his calls, don’t be afraid to pee on her lawn. If she still won’t return his calls, don’t be afraid to help your owner fuck up her car. If the mailman looks at your owner the wrong way, don’t be afraid to eat his skin, after your owner is done beating him to death.
Oh, here’s another tip from ol’ Cocoa – never pretend you don’t know your owner when in public. Trust me, the psychological trauma of disobeying him in front of others is mind blowing. It’s so bad in fact, that I can’t even show my pain outwardly at all. I guess Bill will never truly understand the pain I feel. Wow, Bill sure is the greatest. I wish I had the balls to let him know.
Just pray to your future gods that you can one day know a human as great as Bill!
PS: Be sure to show this time capsule to your owner. Be careful though, she might have sex convulsions after looking at the photo of Bill!
TIME CAPSULE INVENTORY:
• One (1) photo of Bill
• One (1) slobbery tennis ball
• Five (5) old leashes
• One (1) dog t-shirt for special occasions – says “Hot Dog”
• One (1) essay addressed to Bill’s descendents titled “Bill: The Man, The Myth, The Greatest Man Alive” by Cocoa (Me!)
• One (1) list of all neighborhood women who had crushes on Bill
• Ten (10) hairs plucked from Bill’s head (regeneration?)
• Ten (10) hairs plucked from my head (dog regeneration?)
• One (1) Jar of Bill’s semen (Hopefully future women will have some respect for Bill after he blows up the post office. Read about it in your history books!)