Ahem. I’m sorry I didn’t prepare anything, but there’s so much I want to say.
Fuck. You. All.
You motherfuckers thought I was worthless. Now, here I am, the number one jackass among all of you. King of the shitheads, I guess you could call me. Well, I’m not taking this bullshit lying down. I can hear everyone of you. Mocking me. Questioning my value. I have worth, you numbskulls!
It’d be easy for me to come up here and thank all my friends and supporters. My upbeat staff and coworkers. Oh you’d all love it if I did that. Well I won’t give you the satisfaction. I got here in spite of every single one of you. If it were up to all of you, I’d either be tits up in a ditch or puking my guts out in some alley, turning in cans to buy a raw, bloody handjob. You nearly got your wish too. Thank God I’m not as dumb as you cunts. Thank God I realized what was going on.
Metaphorically, I will fuck all of you in the ass with this award.
I will also LITERALLY fuck all of you in the ass with this award.
You will thank me for the attention.
Now that I’m the fucking pope of you scheming jackasses, you will grovel like the frightened baby shrews you are.
“Oh please, you almighty high fuck,” you will cry in your sleep, “Please don’t punch me in the dick like you do every day. I am not enough of a human being to handle what you bring to the table.”
I will not listen to your frightened call for mercy. The game is over. I have won.
So when you go home tonight, tell your children that they have a new father and this new father will hit them all with his solid gold belt. Not only on the ass, but across the face and arms as well. Their tears will only make the new father more angry.
I am not sorry you all have seen me like this. This is the reality you will need to accept every day for the rest of your life. God will not save you from the real fucking bullshit I am bringing into your life.
Accept me and despair.
Thank you for your time.